The path to being heard

The sad truth is that we do to our souls and inner child the same things we hated being done to us. And we internalize it and it becomes the way we relate to ourselves. Until we uncover where we got these patterns and choose to break them with ourselves, we will be ruled by the worst of how we were treated. For me that’s not being heard. Which was transformed into being stubborn. And as a result I did the same to my feelings, my callings, my body urges and needs. I ignore them and let them pester into rage and shame. Rage that I directed inwards by creating scenarios, dialogues in my head (only) where I would reply to my boundaries being trespassed with a witty strong come backs. Which added to the rage of not being courageous enough to say these same words at the moments where it happen. But some of these scenarios never happened, they were only in my head. But they were also a way to process other moments where I didn’t stand up or step into setting clear boundaries or stopping others’ abuse. Rage that transformed in looking for reasons why I felt inadequate. The answer of course was there: how can I not be uncomfortable with a self that is treating me like the way I hated to be treated? How can I not feel enraged, inadequate, unheard of? How can self doubt not creep in? It’s only its right to let you know that you should doubt this behavior. That you should question who you are that let you to treat yourself with the same emotional shallowness you were met as a child or adolescent. Self doubt is a nudge, not a direction. If your needs were repeatedly ignored when you had little power to react to the world you might have internalized a lot of powerlessness into your voice. I know I did. 

The signal sent is that your voice doesn’t matter. One way we battle this is by either going into deep silence, which might be experienced as shyness or social awkwardness or by becoming voice bullies, wanting to give our opinions at all times and becoming opinion policers: wanting others to listen to us at all costs, trying to control how others see us for what we say and attuning to other’s so we can say what we think they want to hear. So we can finally feel heard. Uff, no wonder you feel exhausted and lack motivation and alignment. Your energy is being leaked in meeting a need you have been carrying your whole life and even worst you yourself have become a perpetrator of the same crime that created the wound. Once and again. I might be stubborn or I might be fighting for my voice to be heard, accepted and celebrated only coming from a place of need instead of empowerment. 

The thing we can never forget is that at some point we transitioned out of the powerlessness we had as children. We now have choices, and we can choose to, once we uncover these patterns, retrace a new path for our nervous system and soul to be seen and heard. It begins with how you treat yourself and learn to listen again. And after listening you act like a loving parent will do after listening to their kid ask for something or in distress: with loving care and follow up. Without acting, there is no listening, because a huge part of being listened as a kid was finding that our caregivers went into action because of our feelings were hurt or we expressed discomfort. They moved to make us feel loved, comforted, secured, or they would if they knew better. So when we hear to what our voice says and don’t act into it, don’t do anything to comfort, stop those who are hurting us, get away from what is stiffing our development, move away from spaces that don’t appreciate us then we are once again telling our voice that it is to be shut up, to stay quite, what does it matter anyways? The way we make it matter is by showing up, attuning to what we need and bring about that action that will make your heart feel truly heart and cared for.